So I Watched: Thor (2011)
So, to my surprise, I liked Thor. Write that one down. You can go ahead and toss it on the "good" pile.
What elevates this one out of the pit of mediocrity that the Earth segments are trying to drag it into is a degree of theatrical bombast and some light dustings of camp. The accents are overwrought, the script is delivered like a brick, everything is overdesigned and everyone in Asgard is going for an Oscar. It rules. In a world where they keep redesigning the iconic Captain America outfit so it can be sold to cops on the downlow and nobody is allowed a leotard, I'm amazed that they let the Asgardian designs be so massively overdone. The modern MCU would've laughed the giant, gaudy horns of Heimdall and Loki out of the room, so I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
I said 'theatrical' in that last paragraph and I feel compelled to clarify that I do mean theatrical in the sense of Theatre. The Asgardians are all overacting in ways that would be right at home if you got back row seats and while everyone's behaviours are exaggerated, it ultimately helps sell that these are literal deities who're about as culturally and emotionally subtle as fourteen bricks on a chain being swung like a whip. Ebert called this film a masterclass in marketing (derogatory) and he was right; if the entire MCU was this pulpy and overacted I'd be a mega fan.
And, really, I can't overstate how good the performances are. They let Anthony Hopkins and Tom Hiddleston show off their stage chops and while Chris Hemsworth doesn't have the same pedigree, he's doing his best. If you actually read the script it's bone-dry and deeply uncompelling, but the performances keep it from falling into that pit I mentioned earlier. Like, I know Tom Hiddleston was a foundational Tumblr Sexyman, but I can get why he compelled so many people when he's the star of the show. Few men are as good as playing covetous, sleekit wretches who are nonetheless compelling as he.
Oh, and to my surprise the actual CGI isn't that bad this time. Asgard has a pretty strong sci-fantasy visual identity that makes all the scenes in it decently enjoyable, even if it is painfully obvious that they only had a handful of actual sets to use and were phoning in the rest in post-pro. The Frost Giants look deeply terrible, though, and it's no surprise that they're near-exclusively framed in shadow. Whenever they're in the light, it's in far or rear shots. It's really obvious, too, that some scenes were shot in isolation and stitched together to make it seem like there were three actors on camera at once. Still, the bar is Hulk 2008, so it clears nonetheless.
As for problems, we have a pair that're unfortunately really, really detrimental.
The first is that, for the most part, the Earth stuff is incredibly drab. The editors clearly noticed this and made sure to cut back to Asgard with regularity but the otherwise great comedic timing and cinematography take a backseat whenever the camera returns to our planet and that never really improves. Thor and his blowjob brothers (and Sif) being onscreen typically elevates it but not by much. The human cast are little more than The Sarcastic One, The Serious One and a doe-eyed researcher who wants to make fuck with Thor because he's vaguely nice to her while having no real personality outside of this. Not quite as bad as Hulk's love interest, but still low on the pole. SHIELD return to sponge up some screentime and while it's nice that they're a clearly antagonistic force, they take such a comical backseat to everything else going on in the film that they feel like a runtime-mandated decription.
The other problem is film-wide: The audio mixing sucks. It's bad. It's so bad that I paused 20 minutes into the movie and ran a diagnostic on my entire audio setup - temporarily deafening myself with a blast of Propagandhi at full volume for a bit - before concluding that, at least on the Disney+ copy, the audio mix is deplorable. Character dialogue can be borderline inaudible at times before being drowned out by the sound of an extra moving a chair, anyone trying to speak during an action/tense scene is typically floating in and out of a perceptible range, and the audio in climactic scenes feels like it's peaking. I typically don't like to get into the weeds of technical criticism of movies (as the medium is, for the most part, a blindspot of mine) but maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan it's bad.
Alright, next up is… Captain America, right. That's probably going to be the best one of Phase One if we're being honest. I've started a separate page for ranking these movies, too, so give that a bookmark if you're bored.